A sun kissed filled day ahead of me. Started with kicking horse dark black coffee. I've read the Winnipeg Sun paper. I'm feeling updated on current events. A quick visit to my wooden box of treats. I'm feeling green. I quick toke. And then I'm off . I'm cleaning the windows of our house. Music blaring in the background of 70's and 80's nostalgia. My indoor plants are being spoiled in the sun. I popped open a Czechvar Beer. I feel a heavenly delightful treat.

What inspires me @ 2am.

So lately I've been really depressed. I have been working and dealing with a boyfriend with mental illness. It's really difficult to convey what I feel. The word numb comes to mind. This whole dissillussion of what happiness is really about sucks. Having a home,friends,a boyfriend,and a great job is hard work. This one day for example, I gambled all my money at the casino to zone out. And after I was just getting into it, I lost all my money. I came home and just cried. I was ready to give up on life. Everything is taking a toll on me. I just wanted to stay in bed and never get up again. The more I crave for inspiration the more I get into a rut. I want my boyfriend to balance out where he's fun and not a zombie. He's bipolar. He's been abusive verbally. He's forcing me to be silent and take this abuse. He's very agitated. But something in me won't let this happen. I tell him he's being abusive. He says he's sorry but I know he can't help it right now. I try to think of things to refocus back to me and my needs. And what are they you ask.....? For one thing, I love staying up and watching tv maybe a movie or two till the wee hours of the morning. Another thing is go online facebook and youtube. Night after night I would do this just to avoid the inevitable. But just the other night I was watching youtube womens runway fashion show. I saw these sweaters that look like they were worn upside down so I thought I would create something like it for me. And so I did and it looked really edgy and wearable enough for work. I wore this sweater and my coworkers loved it. I was feeling it and working it. There's something in me that woke up again . And I feel inspired to do fashion and get into my designs whether it would be hair,makeup,drag,photography,interior decor and fashion designs. I need to do it and do it wholeheartedly.When the world hands me lemons, I'm going to make sweet lemonade.I don't give myself enough credit for being a caring,patient and generous person. I need to stay focus. I have alot of ideas going thru this tired old brain of mine. But I have nothing else, to look forward to right now. And the one thing that I have and should always treasure is the fact that I am a beautifully creative being.

Forgive me.

Forgive me because I caused you harm. My tongue whipping slashes your throat causing excrutiating pain on your tortoise shell. Your pride bashes my weak and fragile heart. Forgive me for not giving you the respect you deserve. You took me in when I was on my last thread of life. Forgive me for taking advantage of your kindness. You are generous to a fault. Forgive for not telling you the truth about myself. You always listened when I needed you. Forgive me for all the rotten things I've said to you. Forgive me for wanting to leave you.

Hairdesigner or Hairjanitor?

I'm fed up. I don't know where to go from here. It's easy to say," The only way is up." But honestly, it feels like spiralling stairs going down. I've work my butt off for 4 years. I've been ripping foils,mixing colors,shampooing,sweeping,washing bowls and dishes,windexing surfaces,laundry,cleaning bathrooms,toilets,vacuuming,wiping fans,mirrors,answering phone,scrubbing sinks and walls. The lists can go on. But for $9.75/hr + tips I can retire with a sense of accomplishment. "Get me up on a cross. I need the wood." This is soooo Friekin Ridiculous! I come in to work with back and forth back handed digs on each others appearance. How did I get myself here? I paid $7500 so I can be a Hairjanitor. I know I have to pay my dues before I can reach "The Floor" status. But I look around me and think that noone has work this hard to get to where they are now for this long period of time. Its time to move on. I know I'm better than this. While in hair school, I dreamnt of high fashion hair, stage work,editorial, and travelling. Maybe I'm not that great yet,but I'm determined to get there. I don't know about this environment I'm in but somethings got to give. I'm a Hairdesigner not a Hairjanitor.

A day off is well deserve.

I work creatively with an artist mind. I project my creativity thru my hands. I stand firmly with both feet on the ground. I see the art that I create and feel an enormous sense of completeness. Working hours off the beaten path is rewarding. These hours are so fragmented. One day I work 2hrs and the next 12hrs. I socialize all day. You need a good grasps on people skills with this job. Analyzing personalities,hair, color,texture,and style is my tasks everyday. And last week was a great week of designing and socializing. That smile and hug is worth more than money. But now, I'm tired. I need to recharge and rest.

Late Nite Worries

So the nite has pass. The wee hours of the morn has come. Here I sit contemplating on the new day to come. Wishing that I could for the next 15 minutes I could enjoy sweet slumber. But for now, the call of my overactive mind has taken over my will to sleep.  Here I am writing about "The Lack of Imagination". I write because I can excercise my power of expression thru writing about nothing. I will enjoy a good laugh today. I will read this later today and sing, "Where is my mind?...Where is my mind? Where...is...my...mind?."

Lordy Lordy almost 40!!!.

Today, it hit me hard. A shock.Tremors running thru my body. I held my head in disbelief. Looking in the mirror checking to see if I need to book for botox. Exhale. There are things that I consider important to me, like my health. My birthday is coming up. I might need some make-up. Prioritize is the key. I feel a sense of discomfort with the wheel of time ticking from the back of my head. Pushing me into a new decade of life. I have no choice but to face whats in front of me. Today was the first step I took in confronting my 40th. There, I said it, FORTY!. Good lord, that was hard. I wonder, if I could turn back time where would I be now? Exactly where would I be? Right here,writing about how old I'm getting. But the good lord and my asian genes has blessed me. I look about 25. The Plan is to celebrate my Day with lots of drinks, talking,laughing and dancing at Club 200 with friends. Where the old barstars retire and die. Petite a mort, a small death.