What inspires me @ 2am.

So lately I've been really depressed. I have been working and dealing with a boyfriend with mental illness. It's really difficult to convey what I feel. The word numb comes to mind. This whole dissillussion of what happiness is really about sucks. Having a home,friends,a boyfriend,and a great job is hard work. This one day for example, I gambled all my money at the casino to zone out. And after I was just getting into it, I lost all my money. I came home and just cried. I was ready to give up on life. Everything is taking a toll on me. I just wanted to stay in bed and never get up again. The more I crave for inspiration the more I get into a rut. I want my boyfriend to balance out where he's fun and not a zombie. He's bipolar. He's been abusive verbally. He's forcing me to be silent and take this abuse. He's very agitated. But something in me won't let this happen. I tell him he's being abusive. He says he's sorry but I know he can't help it right now. I try to think of things to refocus back to me and my needs. And what are they you ask.....? For one thing, I love staying up and watching tv maybe a movie or two till the wee hours of the morning. Another thing is go online facebook and youtube. Night after night I would do this just to avoid the inevitable. But just the other night I was watching youtube womens runway fashion show. I saw these sweaters that look like they were worn upside down so I thought I would create something like it for me. And so I did and it looked really edgy and wearable enough for work. I wore this sweater and my coworkers loved it. I was feeling it and working it. There's something in me that woke up again . And I feel inspired to do fashion and get into my designs whether it would be hair,makeup,drag,photography,interior decor and fashion designs. I need to do it and do it wholeheartedly.When the world hands me lemons, I'm going to make sweet lemonade.I don't give myself enough credit for being a caring,patient and generous person. I need to stay focus. I have alot of ideas going thru this tired old brain of mine. But I have nothing else, to look forward to right now. And the one thing that I have and should always treasure is the fact that I am a beautifully creative being.